margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
