He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
