I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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