Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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