i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
