Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
