My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
