guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
