Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
