I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
