Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You're my little dorito
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
