i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The ass gains better be worth it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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