I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am available for nakedness
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