Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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