I wish they made helmets for livers.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
