Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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