hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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