I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
