R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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