just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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