did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize