two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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