i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
