Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
