Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize