I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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