dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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