The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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