Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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