sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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