If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
