Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize