if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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