Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
