i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
