someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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