how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
