i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
