RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
