Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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