Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
