So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
