Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
