I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
