Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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