ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
