this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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