Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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