just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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