My friends, they love my intelligence
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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