Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
