I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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