My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
