We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
