If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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