seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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