stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
