I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
