A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
