I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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